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2011/09/12

Talking Like We Used To


"The man who takes time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart" - Dr. Willard Harley Jr.

I just want to share something I learned from the the book we read about building an affair-proof marriage.
My father-in-law who also sometimes serves as our marriage counselor gave me and Jon "His Needs, Her Needs" book when we were still dating. The cover might be boring but it is not your ordinary relationship-help book.
I already this book but the contents did not strongly strike me until I related to one story in one of the chapters of the book like it was narrating an exact the same familiar scenario.
"Why don't we talk like we used to when we just dating?" I ask sometimes. Girls,  try not to think your husband doesn't love you or loses interest in you. He vowed to spend the rest of his life with you for a reason. So why don't we talk like we used to
I like how Dr. Willard Harley Jr, psychologist, marriage counselor and the author of the book His Needs, Her Needs puts it into context. Men wants to create a good impression. The same with women who wants to be more attractive. Both wants to show the ability to be fun witty and pleasant.
But when there will come a time in the marriage, both are highly comfortable with each other and the presence of both parties are taken for granted especially where there are too many distractions around the house like 70" HD TV, blu-ray player and high-speed internet. Talking is not used to be as fun anymore ever since the topic of the conversations are now about bills and nuisances at work. Sometimes you just wanted to sit down after hard day at work and enjoy the rest of the night with silence and t.v series.
What women want
Husbands, when your wife says, she wants to talk, NEVER say "What do you want to talk about?". When Jon asked me this question, I paused for a minute, mental blocked and couldn't think of any topic. "What a ridiculous question,!" I silently thought. It may seem an innocent question but there is something about this question that puts an end to the conversation that hasn't even started yet but not really? He really had no idea what was in my head or what I need. Then I read chapter5 of the book. Then after, I asked him if he could read it too if he has time because it explained well what I feel more than I could.
 Ask a more appropriate question like "What made you feel good today?". I dunno, it just sounds sweeter this way.

And for the benefit of husbands, wife must forgive this one-time honest mistake.

 And also a balanced conversation should be observed. Share more interest in your husband's activity as far as developing-a-intimate-conversation is concerned if you want him to talk more.

What women need
"Conversation does meet an emotional need for women". Dr. Harley suggests husbands to give their wife 15 hours a week of undivided attention. This may sound ridiculously unreal but it is ideal. My husband and I are targeting this as our goal, planning more activities together. It takes time, effort to communicate effectively.

okay, so back to the book. This is just a small share of many things I can learn from this book.
There are questions for both to discuss after each chapter. Maybe over a cup of Starbucks coffee. Willard Harley seemed to put into words what my husband and I don't know or understand about each other.



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